A term of endearment???

Ok...so...I have issues. Self-proclaimed as well as made aware by others. Some inflicted on me by actions of others and some just because they are what they are. But issues none the less...owned humbly and honestly. Regardless of my issues, or maybe because of my issues, I have been called this little "name" of sorts more than once recently. A brat ! So what to make of it???

So I've debated and lamented and analyzed and contemplated this latest name-calling and the things that have preceded said name. In one case, it was in relation to my new glasses. Well, maybe the glasses came last and were merely the straw that broke the camel's back.

Anyways...this sorta began at work one night. As shocking at it may seem, I don't share a lot at work. This is a new experience for me...this working full time. I am painfully aware of the fact that I need this job and I need to keep my private life and my professional life separate to a fairly large degree. Plus, I'm still new and somewhat figuring out where I fit in this hospital world I spend so much time in. Of course, questions are always asked and curiosities are piqued so personal information gets shared to some degree...which led to the acknowledgement of a shiny beautiful ring on a particular finger of interest. Some questions were asked about Langdon and how we met, etc. etc. etc. After the wedding one night at work, one of the aides asked me about Langdon and, as a way to describe him, I just told her what I woke up that day...a dozen red roses, the kids school clothes ironed, dinner ready and served to me, and the laundry switched and handled for me. So...she called me a brat :-)

A few work nights later, that same aide noticed that I was wearing a new wedding ring...a wide band with the words "loving, amour, trusted, always, devoted, desire, passion, cherish", and "adore" inscribed around it. I told her that I had asked Langdon for a band mostly due to work and all I do there and I thought a band would be easier. At the same time, the aide noticed my new glasses...which happen to be Coach brand. I again was titled a "brat". With a smile, but still...

I noticed that in that same time frame Langdon had referred to me as a brat once when I had stated the way I wanted something...like how I wanted the laundry done or something to that effect. He, too, was smiling during the exchange and it was more playful banter than anything, and yet I began to get a bit of a complex and wonder how it could be that I am a 38 year-old, mother of 5, BRAT! That just didn't compute and was making me a little sad.

But, as a true BRAT, I justified and rationalized my brattiness :-) Here's the thing...I was in a, for all intents and purposes, terrible marriage for a long time where I was literally abused. Physically...mentally...verbally...emotionally. And to be honest, I haven't fully recovered from that yet and it is sometimes debateable that I ever fully will (although I am hopeful!). So if being married now to a wonderful man that buys me flowers and makes me dinner and helps with housework and loves my kids as his own and is willing to co-parent with me makes me a brat, then I own that fully and whole-heartedly! If me having a ring that expresses how I feel about him and he feels about me around my finger every minute of every day deems me bratty, then I accept that charge willingly! If I am wearing new glasses that I was able to get with my health insurance that I carry for myself with my job that I not only maintain and am good at, but that my kids and myself put me through school to obtain...and they happen to be a brand name, then more power to me for fully providing for myself! With this reflection, I realized that when Langdon called me a "brat", it was more a compliment than not. He was teasing me about my persnickety-ness and my wanting things a certain way...but at the same time he is happy for me that I am in a position where I am able to stand up for myself and do what makes me happy. And largely in part because he puts me there :-) He wants me to be happy...and he makes me just that. And it comes full circle...this term of endearment. I hope to always be called brat :-)

Smitten...

So here is some of the "here" that I mentioned. Or actually THE "here" that makes "here" worth all the yada yada yada.

LANGDON FENN

Pretty much the end of the story while also the beginning of all future stories. (As a side note, I am writing this and picturing a silly school girl batting her eyes and blushing and being all giddy and girly. Just sayin...)

I will admit that this is probably a shock to many as it comes as a surprise. I've spent a great portion of the last few years living my life and it's complications and/or complaints online. I've made almost every move and opinion a public announcement. Some of that was good...some not so good. I think that I had NOT shared so much for so long that I wanted to somehow make up for it. Everything I held back or hid or pretended didn't exist ended up being so detrimental that I went the other way. I held nothing back. As my mother says I was "painfully honest". If I was asked a question, then I would answer it. Plain and simple. But then came this :-) Unexpected in many, many ways. And there was something about it that wasn't meant to be announced online just yet. It was too personal...too meaningful. I wanted it to be just for me for a while.

Which brings us to the sum up to get you all to the here and now. I met Langdon online. Cliche, but true. C'est la vie. I will admit I spent some time online...never with the intention of actually MEETING anyone from there. It was an anonymous way to spend time without risk. Or so I thought! Turns out Langdon knew one of my best friend's husband. Which meant he was real. With a history. And a past that someone else knew at least something about. And also meant that when Langdon would come up to Surprise, he could stay at their house. I realize that I made some not so great choices in the past (to say the least!) so the first time he came to town, I paraded him from friend's house to friend's house to be "interviewed" by those that know and love me. Lucky for both of us, he passed!

That was several months ago. There has been a lot that has happened since then and a LOT of hours spent on the phone and in driving to and from Tucson for both of us. Yada yada yada...I love this man! So to go back to my ability to divuldge too much information, I adore him. He treats me like a queen and has never said an unkind word to me. We actually discuss differences and opinions and can listen to each other and respect each other. I can tell him anything and everything...and haven't gotten in trouble yet! I feel valued and appreciated and loved and cherished. I've never had that. There is honestly no one I would rather spend my time with and I would spend every moment with him if I could just figure out how!

So...we got hitched :-) August 20, 2011. I will leave a separate post regarding that event because the beauty of my friends and family and the meaningfulness of that evening deserves its own space. The result of which is...he is my husband. And I his wife. And I'm thrilled with that. I'm content. I feel at peace. I've never had either before. I no longer feel the need to "fight" my way through life. I don't feel like I constantly have to protect myself or defend myself. There is nothing to protect or defend when I am loved and accepted for who and what I am.

Grateful...humble...awe-stricken...devoted...content...peaceful...and SMITTEN.

Yada Yada Yada...

I guess I am getting to that age where certain references "date" me. Kind of like when I was still coaching in Tucson and Tiffany and I would comment to the divers that we didn't want them to be wimpy. Inevitably we would start reciting the chant from that Hefty garbage commercial..."Hefty! Hefty! Hefty!...wimpy, wimpy, wimpy!" Sounds better and has more effect with the voice changes, but then again, those of you old enough to know the commercial didn't need that prompting. The divers back then would look at us like we were nuts (as we rightly deserved) and the lost look on their faces was like unto that if we had been discussing Atari as if it were a modern invention. Which brings me to Seinfeld and the reference that basically sums up so much.

I think the facts speak for themselves...I'm not so good at blogging. But I suppose in this case, it worked to my benefit. There is so much I've left out and desparately wanted to record...and I will!!! Eventually. Meanwhile, there were things that happened that are perhaps better left unsaid. I find that I spend a decent amount of time wondering at any given moment the benefit or possible recourse of recording certain parts of my life. I spent a long time being "censored" and although I'm mostly over making excuses for myself or anyone else, I will admit that there are still things that give me pause.

So...there is A LOT I haven't written about. And I will!! About most of it. Or some of it. But for now I will say this...

I had a rough two years. I made not so great decisions mixed with some pretty awesome ones. All of them had consequences of one type or another. I cried, I laughed, I worried, I avoided, and I doubted. I doubted my foundation, my decisions, and ultimately myself. Which all leads me to...

YADA YADA YADA...and now I'm here! And "here" is just spectacular in so many ways. And "here" will be discussed in another post. Soon! I think. But until then, I'm somewhat grateful for what I yada'ed. The ultimate outcome is I learned a ton and I am now in so much of a better place than I ever imagined I could be in. My kids are amazing people and despite popular belief, I haven't ruined them at all :-) It's amazing what honestly and humility in the face of your kids acheives. I weathered the self-inflicted storm and now we are truly basking in the cleanliness and beauty that always is left when a storm moves on.

So wonder about the yada's if you must. Ask if you want. Criticize and mock if that suits your fancy. It is what it is...or was as the case may be. Regardless, it's worthy of my yada-ing.

Perspective...I generally don't have it

I am always amazed at the speed at which life can take a turn. I feel like I spend a lot of time feeling comfortable with how things are and anticipating how they will be...like somehow I have a say in the giant scheme of things :-) I mean, I know that I have a say, and yet it is so humbling when we get instant reminders of how mortal we truly are.

My sister was in an accident a while ago. And I hope that she doesn't mind me sharing some about that. It is so egocentric to make that horrible event about me, but in reality it is about all of us...and our relationships and our perspective. One minute I was retreiving my kids from their dad and sitting at the table hearing about their day and their weekend...and honestly totally self-absorbed in a new situation of my own. Next thing I knew, I was taking my kids back to their dad and was riding down to Tucson not fully knowing the situation or the outcome. It was an amazingly humbling experience what unfolded. The end of the story, just so you know, is she's ultimately ok. It's been a process. It hasn't been easy. I know I will never be the same.

I arrived at the hospital before my parents as they were coming from New Mexico. For that I am actually very grateful. My sister and I had some very intimate moments...maybe more for me than for her. I felt love for her that I suppose I always knew I had but the intensity of it was incredible. I got to stay with her that night and went with her in the pre-op area before her surgery the next morning. She asked me to come "un-bunch" her after the surgery and get her all settled before I had to get back to Phoenix. The following weeks are almost indescribable for me. I saw my sister as one of the absolute strongest people I know. I think that I spent a good deal of time dwelling on the bad part of the outcome and here my sister was, unable to walk for months, telling me how lucky she feels she is. She saw every possible positive part of this situation and could, even the very night of the accident, understand how much worse it could have been. I was in awe.

So, the moral of the story is....I continue to learn and to be hit with the proverbial 2x4 about life and why I have to live it. Or why I GET to live it. I understand how mortal we are and from that I intend to do my darndest from here on out to realize my life for the sunny side up miracle that it is. What, really, do I have to complain about??? I no longer want to take my days for granted nor the people that I am so blessed to have in my life. I am so sad that my sister had to go through what she did...but I am so grateful for what I learned from it. I'm grateful for the love I have for her and how inspiring she is to me.

She's my hero...Love you Krista.

A force unto themselves

So....I think a lot of us have the same fears. One of them, and I may be completely wrong, is that we worry about our kids. Not always for their safety, but for their decisions. It's that tumultuous middle-groud and untouchable area where they have to make their own decisions at some point and we have to simply watch. For me, that is probably one of the hardest parts of parenting...to watch what I know is a bad decision and have to let them learn.

On the other hand, what an amazing pay off it is to see them when they make good decisions! I watch my kids day in and day out become just amazing little (and I guess big in a couple of the cases) people. I am in awe of the friends that they make and the decisions that they make just know what is right and wrong.

One of the great pay offs was Last September. Ethan decided to be baptized. The thing is, I haven't been in the best place in the last couple of years. Not physically mind you...the physical is so much better than it ever was before! But the rest...just not good. And so I got out of it. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps per say and set my sights forward. The risk of it was ultimately my kids. But here they stand...as ultimate examples to me.

So, life comes full circle. And these little people that once depended on me for everything to survive have survived...and I guess I depended on them for a while. At the end we are a team and we made it and Ethan and the rest of them are happy...and an incredible force unto themselves.

When in doubt where to begin...

Start on the outside and work your way in.

Ok...so that was a random poem my parents taught me about how to know what silverware to use should I ever be at a locale with multiple forks and spoons. The frequent mantra was, "What if you ever get invited to eat at the White House?" The bottom line is I have never nor will ever be invited to eat at the White House. If I ever DID get invited to the White House the last thing I would have on my mind is which fork to use, and furthermore, the fanciest I usually get is Olive Garden at which I am just grateful if I get out without any of my children crawling under the table or stabbing each other with said forks.

So, I digress. And from the very beginning which is bound to be a poor sign. The point I was was trying to make was...where to begin since I STINK at blogging?! So, I decided to start on the outside and work my way in. Please join me on my journey back to again move forward...

Another bucket item checked off (several, actually. But I will divide and conquer them as to not overwhelm the faint at heart) and memories made. Some perhaps questionable, but what would my life be without questionable items?
The kids and I went to California! This was a huge accomplishment for me...and us. And it was great. I'm pretty sure none of us have a single complaint and we sure enjoyed each other. It was quite the planning adventure...had to go when I had the kids, a place to stay for 6 of us, activities to do and money to do them with. The fact of the matter is, there's not currently an abundance of cash for us right now. But I decided that we didn't need it. And we didn't!



We went to Sea World, and Seaport Villiage and the beach many, many times. We ate the majority of our meals out of a cooler in the back of my car and it was perfect. There was one day that we planned specifically to just do the beach. I worried a bit about how long it would be before someone whined or was ready to go or got tired of the event, but it never happened. It was the best day I can remember in quite some time.


Every single kid was happy and entertained and pleasant and got along. We had a late lunch and snacks through the day and ended with a beach bonfire with hot dogs and s'mores. We had great hosts who really did what they could to make our trip memorable and for that we are grateful. The stories of their jacuzzi will be remembered forever by my kids as mine of that same jacuzzi from my childhood are remembered by me. Ask sometime...you will dig the story.

Moral of the story...that in reality has no moral...we did it. I am amazed at the character of my children and the beauty of their souls. I know you all like your kids and all, but mine are just the bomb! I absolutely could not be more blessed than I am with them.