Saturday, September 24, 2011

A term of endearment???

Ok...so...I have issues. Self-proclaimed as well as made aware by others. Some inflicted on me by actions of others and some just because they are what they are. But issues none the less...owned humbly and honestly. Regardless of my issues, or maybe because of my issues, I have been called this little "name" of sorts more than once recently. A brat ! So what to make of it???

So I've debated and lamented and analyzed and contemplated this latest name-calling and the things that have preceded said name. In one case, it was in relation to my new glasses. Well, maybe the glasses came last and were merely the straw that broke the camel's back.

Anyways...this sorta began at work one night. As shocking at it may seem, I don't share a lot at work. This is a new experience for me...this working full time. I am painfully aware of the fact that I need this job and I need to keep my private life and my professional life separate to a fairly large degree. Plus, I'm still new and somewhat figuring out where I fit in this hospital world I spend so much time in. Of course, questions are always asked and curiosities are piqued so personal information gets shared to some degree...which led to the acknowledgement of a shiny beautiful ring on a particular finger of interest. Some questions were asked about Langdon and how we met, etc. etc. etc. After the wedding one night at work, one of the aides asked me about Langdon and, as a way to describe him, I just told her what I woke up that day...a dozen red roses, the kids school clothes ironed, dinner ready and served to me, and the laundry switched and handled for me. So...she called me a brat :-)

A few work nights later, that same aide noticed that I was wearing a new wedding ring...a wide band with the words "loving, amour, trusted, always, devoted, desire, passion, cherish", and "adore" inscribed around it. I told her that I had asked Langdon for a band mostly due to work and all I do there and I thought a band would be easier. At the same time, the aide noticed my new glasses...which happen to be Coach brand. I again was titled a "brat". With a smile, but still...

I noticed that in that same time frame Langdon had referred to me as a brat once when I had stated the way I wanted something...like how I wanted the laundry done or something to that effect. He, too, was smiling during the exchange and it was more playful banter than anything, and yet I began to get a bit of a complex and wonder how it could be that I am a 38 year-old, mother of 5, BRAT! That just didn't compute and was making me a little sad.

But, as a true BRAT, I justified and rationalized my brattiness :-) Here's the thing...I was in a, for all intents and purposes, terrible marriage for a long time where I was literally abused. Physically...mentally...verbally...emotionally. And to be honest, I haven't fully recovered from that yet and it is sometimes debateable that I ever fully will (although I am hopeful!). So if being married now to a wonderful man that buys me flowers and makes me dinner and helps with housework and loves my kids as his own and is willing to co-parent with me makes me a brat, then I own that fully and whole-heartedly! If me having a ring that expresses how I feel about him and he feels about me around my finger every minute of every day deems me bratty, then I accept that charge willingly! If I am wearing new glasses that I was able to get with my health insurance that I carry for myself with my job that I not only maintain and am good at, but that my kids and myself put me through school to obtain...and they happen to be a brand name, then more power to me for fully providing for myself! With this reflection, I realized that when Langdon called me a "brat", it was more a compliment than not. He was teasing me about my persnickety-ness and my wanting things a certain way...but at the same time he is happy for me that I am in a position where I am able to stand up for myself and do what makes me happy. And largely in part because he puts me there :-) He wants me to be happy...and he makes me just that. And it comes full circle...this term of endearment. I hope to always be called brat :-)

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